some choice insults

July 20, 2006

To describe Jeffrey Archer as an ‘asshole’ is totally unfair. The asshole is a humble, useful and hardworking part of the anatomy.
When he was circumcised the doctor threw away the wrong part.
Making love with him is like having a large wardrobe fall on you with the key sticking out.
…he once asked a politician why everybody instantly disliked Peter Mandelson, to be told: “It saves time.”

A few clowns short of a circus
A few coupons short of a pop-up toaster.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
One taco short of a combo plate

If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.
– – – Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)
If you were my wife, I’d drink it.
– – – Winston Churchill, in reply

Do you mind if I smoke?
– – – Oscar Wilde (to Sarah Bernhardt)
I don’t care if you burn.
– – – Sarah Bernhardt, in reply

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts.
– – – Clive James

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
– – – Edgar Wilson “Bill” Nye

Jade Goody says Keira Knightley’s breasts are like “two aspirins on an ironing board”.

he hid his barrel under a light
Because Poll’s enlarged head is so far up his own backside it meets his whistle on the
way back out of his mouth.

John Prescott listened with the expression, according to one MP, of a bulldog chewing a wasp.

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