some advice on how to learn French

July 23, 2006

There is only one skill you need in French- how to interrupt a French person. They all talk in loud voices at the same time without pausing for breath so normally there is no chance of saying anything at all. When a Frenchman (or woman) reaches the end of a paragraph you hear a noise like a deep-sea diver emerging from the most profound ocean depths. Unfortunately their anatomy is so designed that they are unable to both speak and hear at the same time. In fact the use which they occasionally make of their auditory faculties seems to render them incapable of any other bodily function. Which is perhaps why the ears are the least used part of a French person’s anatomy. You have to understand that when a Frenchman is talking he is having a furious argument with himself and if you dare to join in you are likely to be caught in the crossfire.
I have worked out a few lessons to overcome these challenges :
Lesson 1 How to hold your breath while talking.
Lesson 2 Making your voice louder than anyone else’s.
Lesson 3 How to make a French person pause in mid flow (this includes the use of devices like sneezing powder, controlled explosions etc.)
Lesson 4 Speaking with a French posture. This is very important as it doesn’t matter what language you speak as if you get the posture right they all sound like French anyway. The postures involves making your mouth like that of a large fish that is about to swallow a small one and sticking it out as far and as aggressively as possible.


One Response to “some advice on how to learn French”

  1. mrskin Says:

    Nice idea, thanks.

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