Religion update: Church abandons God and introduces cash machines

July 27, 2006

The Church of England has announced that it will introduce cash machines in churches. Said a spokesman, “It’s obvious no one worships God any more so we have to connect with what they do worship.”In a separate development The Rev Ian Gregory, has embarked on a new project which he calls “Christianity without religion”. “Out goes the “archaic mumbo-jumbo” of church services and the “silly arguments about things that don’t and shouldn’t matter”; in come chats about anything that makes you feel good. The traditional Sunday morning service will be replaced by “coffee and laughter” – videos of classic comedy films during which people will be able to come and go or read the Sunday papers over tea and toast.”

Other clergy have proposed opening massage parlours in the vestries while Canon Ivor Ball said the bar was the most popular feature in his church. “We also fine anyone who mentions the word God a quid,” he said “it’s a hoot!” When asked about the Virgin Mary and the Holy Ghost, Canon Ball replies ‘Don’t make me laugh!”

Acting Prim Minister (shouldn’t that be ‘prime’) Mr John Prescott is to propose opening St Olaf’s casino in place of the existing cathedral.

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