ruthless rhymes by Harry Graham and others
September 14, 2006
Billy, in one of his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven’t the heart to poke poor Billy.
When Grandmamma fell off the boat,
And couldn’t swim, and wouldn’t float,
Maria just sat by and smiled –
I almost could have slapped the child!
Weep not for little Leonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it’s improved her French.
O’er the rugged mountain’s brow
Clara threw the twins she nursed,
And remarked, “I wonder now
Which will reach the bottom first?”
That morning, when my wife eloped
With James, our chauffeur, how I moped!
What tragedies in life there are!
I’m dashed if I can start the car.
I had written to Aunt Maud,
Who was on a trip abroad,
When I heard she’d died of cramp
Just too late to save the stamp.
When Baby’s cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I’d known that he’d be frozen stiff.
My wife said: ‘George, I’m so unhappé!
Our darling’s now completely frappé!
Uncle, whose inventive brains
kept evolving aeroplanes,
fell from an enormous height
upon my garden lawn last night.
Flying is a fatal sport,
uncle wrecked the tennis court.
“There’s been an accident!” they said,
“Your servant’s cut in half; he’s dead.”
“Indeed!” said Mr Jones, “and please
Give me the half that’s got my keys.”
In the drinking-well
(Which the plumber built her)
Aunt Eliza fell, —
We must buy a filter.
Late last night I slew my wife,
Stretched her on the parquet flooring;
I was loath to take her life,
But I had to stop her snoring.
Making toast at fireside,
Nurse fell in the grate and died;
And, what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burned with nurse.
Auntie, did you feel no pain
Falling from that apple tree?
Will you do it, please, again?
‘Cos my friend here did n’t see.
Little Willie poems by anon
Willie cut off his sister’s head
And left it lying hairless.
“Really, Willie,” said his mother,
“You sure are getting careless.”
Willie, I regret to state,
Cut his sister up for bait.
We miss her when it’s time to dine,
But Willie’s fish taste simply fine.
Willie poisoned his father’s tea;
Father died in agony.
Mother came, and looked quite vexed:
“Really, Will,” she said, “what next?!”
Little Willie with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his sister to the door
His mother said with humor quaint
Willie, dear, don’t scratch the paint.
Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
“Willie is so scatter-brained!”
Ruthless Rhymes of Martial Militants
By Nelson Harding
Demure and sweet the ladies look,
With downcast eye and open book;
Their bonnets trimmed with flowers bright,
Their pockets filled with dynamite.
With dynamite sweet Millicent
Blew up the House of Parliament.
Milly’s always up to tricks!
Ain’t she cute? She’s twenty-six!
“Suffragette, Suffragette, where have you been?”
“I’ve been to London to visit the Queen.”
“Suffragette, Suffragette, what did you there?”
“I planted some dynamite under her chair!”
Leaning on the parapet of the bridge stands fair Annette
Dressed in pretty gown and sash.
Is she waiting for a lover? No, she just pushed someone over
And she waits to hear the splash.