Six out of ten Brits prefer an early death to giving up sex

September 23, 2006

Another totally pointless opinion poll concludes that “four out of ten Britons would be prepared to give up sex if it meant they could live to be 100.”  .I would like to know a little more about the alternatives here- exactly what sexual activities would one have to forego? (ex-President Clinton might be asked to advise on drawing up a list). Also what sort of quality of life is on offer? If it’s a nursing home in Eastbourne and being let out once a year to be nabbed by cops while attempting to curb crawl, no thanks. Also what guarantee is there against acts of God- I’m not going to adopt celibacy if the following week I’m going to be flattened by a meteorite- and God has a nasty habit of interfering in cozy little arrangements of this sort. All this I would want to know before I signed on the dotted line. Returning to the survey, when asked about the main advantages of science being able to extend life, a staggering 14% replied  ‘to see grandchildren grow up.’ Hardly anyone mentioned the main advantage of growing old, which is to see more and more of the people you dislike make a fool of themselves one way or another.
In the meantime, here are some things I would willingly forego in return for an email from Her Majesty:
grandchildren, my vote, TV cinema and theatre, beer, football, sex with porcupines, supermarket trolleys, washing machines (front and top loading), friends, winning lottery ticket, lattes, aftershave, being rude to Christians
note to God: will that do? (I can toss a few more in if necessary)

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