Hamsters in the war on terror

October 1, 2006

Terrifying headline in the Mirror: HAMSTER DOWNS JET
A JET was forced to make an unscheduled landing yesterday because of an escaped hamster on board. The plane was diverted so officials could check it did not gnaw any cables. If a jet airliner is so vulnerable that a hamster can overpower it, what untold havoc could be wreaked by termites or spiders? Let’s hope Al Qaeda don’t read the Mirror or hamsters will find themselves strapped to the belts of would-be terrorists. And next time I fly I shall make sure the aircraft is throughly checked for the presence of gerbils, sitck insects or praying mantises before I will agree to board it.
Animals were in the news a lot yesterday. Apparently scientists are afraid that Briitain is going to be overrum by wild boar, though as the country does not seem to have been decimated yet by bird flu I would not, as they say, hold my breath. A Defra scientist is quoted as saying “They are already scavenging through bins in Berlin and could be doing the same here soon….Wild boar populations grow very slowly at first but there comes a point when they go through the roof.’ I suggest that people in Britain should check their roof carefully every morning as insurance companies are notoriously reluctant to pay up for this kind of thing, He also said “Just don’t start pestering a sow with piglets, or you’ll have to learn how climb a tree, fast.” I would also like to recommend that the government introduce compulsory speed tree climbing exercises as a matter of urgency. Alternatively, I can offer a supply of hand-picked tigers and crocodiles which could provide an effective way of keeping down the boar population. And keep them from gnawing through the cables on Jumbo Jets.
Finally some sad news: ‘THE UK’s only rose-coloured starling was hounded to death by a mob of birdwatchers.The rare creature fluttered from garden to garden as it desperately tried to get away from up to 80 camera-wielding fanatics.’ Reaction from birdwatchers was swift. ‘Serve the bugger right’, commented a spokesman for the Royal Society for the Extermination of Birds.

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